Today is Trans Day of Visibility (TDOV) and probably one of the best times for starting my blog. My name is Laura (online: livho), and I am a 29-year-old (transfeminine) non-binary person living in Germany. My pronouns are they/them.
How did I get here?
For at least the past 19 years, I have known that there is something off with my gender — maybe even for longer. It was more of a quiet melody playing in the back of my head until three years ago. Once in a while, it surfaced, yet never as strongly as three years ago. So it became time to listen to this melody.
And I did listen. For the past three years, I on and off questioned my gender actively. Pretty quickly, I noticed that I am not a man. But it took much longer to know who I am instead of who I am not. Maybe I still don’t know for sure who I am, but as of today, I can state:
I’m definitely not a man yet not quite a woman either. However, I would rather be a woman than a man.
Currently, I describe myself as nonbinary, an identity that finally puts to words how I feel. While I know that I am nonbinary, there is no such thing as being read nonbinary. That’s where the transfeminine part enters my identity. I don’t want to be read as a man, but if the only other option is being read as a woman, I happily take that. I’m not a woman, but I like being read as one and appear as one.
I’m not just trans*
While being trans* and figuring out my gender is currently an important part of my life, there is so much more. I am a PhD student in computer science doing research on the Internet of Things. When working on my PhD and thinking about my gender identity don’t consume all of my energy, I like to play the saxophone, the trombone, or recently mainly the Xaphoon. Lastly, I tend to overthink everything, which unfortunately slows me down quite a bit taking any action. This is also the reason that my first blog post appears today and not six months ago.
As I’m a PhD student, writing is not new to me either, as it is an almost daily task for me. However, writing scientific papers uses a different kind of language than the one suitable for blogs that should be easily understandable. When writing this blog, I will try to get better at not overcomplicating my writing. So if you have any tips, let me know in the comments, on Twitter, or send me an email.
So, what will this blog be about?
First and foremost, I will write about my story. How did I figure out that I’m trans*, and what signs can I identify throughout my life? Writing this blog will be a public reflection of my thoughts and a place to come back to whenever doubts overwhelm me. I would also like the blog to start discussions with others, either in the comments or on Twitter. At some point in the future, this blog might even be helpful for others, as much as the writing and videos of other trans* people are helpful for me.
While writing about my life’s story up until now will be the first purpose of this blog, I will also write about my current thoughts. Once I actually decide to start the medical process of a gender transition, I will begin documenting that journey here as well.
As I don’t want to take this journey alone, I’ll be happy for your input in the comments below. If you prefer to contact me otherwise, feel free to send me an email or contact me on Twitter.
Cheers,
Laura
Originally published at https://livho.blog on March 31, 2021.
